...and who's life do I lead?

I have once again come to the end. It's only the end of a television show I was borderline obsessed with for a few days. 25 episodes. About an hour each, plus commercials, computer malfunctions, and people who insist on texting me while i'm attempting to keep up with the subtitles. That's over a full day that I spent engrossed in this drama, with not a moment to spare.
I have written many times about how I tend to put off getting to the end of things.It's true, time after time, I put it off. Until I can't any longer. I suppose that reflects not only in reading, watching movies ect. but also in general. I have finished one short story. ONE out of probably at least 200,no exaggeration. Why? the one that I did finish was part of another that just happened to be able to stand on it's own. I suppose that would explain why things tend to suddenly just stop in my life. I don't like to say goodbye, nor see someone leave. I would rather leave first. Many things go unfinished with people, simply because I don't want to have any type of conclusion.
The tv show I was watching is a Korean adaptation of the manga Boys Before Flowers.Everyone is tired of hearing about it. It's been the only thing I could talk about for the past few days. It gave me something to look forward to. For that one moment in time, my purpose was to watch this show. No questions asked, that was it. I even ended up dreaming in Korean. Well, with everyone in my dream speaking Korean. Though I realise now why the show appealed to me so much. It sounds quite melodramatic and rather cliche but I really do think that it triggered a change in me. Whatever the reason. I'm ready to devote another day to rewatching it. Sometimes I wonder about myself.

Hello there, the Angel from my nightmare...

I finally left. For good this time. I wish I could say that I did it willingly, but that would be a complete and utter lie. I don't know what happened. I really wish that I could pinpoint the moment where it all went wrong. Friends, that's what we were supposed to be above all. I know now that that was a lie. For the longest time I wanted to be back there, trying to convince myself of why it was a good idea to stay. Now, I know that I can't go back. It wasn't good. You have me stuck in my head, almost constantly. Everything was built on a hunch and a feeling. Now looking back I can't say that I regret not leaving. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm starting to believe that now. You have attempted coming back, I have learned that's just because she is gone. What concerns me is the way you ignite my creative flame. I think I can safely say that no one has made me write, draw, or be as motavated as you have. I don't know what it is about you that pulls this out of me. Because of this I have tried to keep you in my mind. That just seems to drive me insane. The one thing that has pulled me out of this...obsession, is him. I can't say that i'm suprised by this. She told me today that she thought that I was in love with him. It's true. I'm completley head over heals in love with him. I think that I have been since I first laid eyes on him. Though there have always been circumstances that have kept us apart. Part of this i'm glad about. I don't want us to ever have that awkward break up, or just any awkwardness between us. Nor any bad feelings or ill will towards eachother. so i suppose i'll just keep you in my mind. Keep a part of you and learn more about myself through you. I know that it seems crazy but just like everyone else i'm just trying to get by.

Merry Christmas

"Hi"
"Hello"
How could something so simple be so perfect? It's hard to believe that earlier this evening I was back to wishing I would have left that first night. The farther things progress the more I feel as though I should be filming or writing everything that goes on. Things are far from perfect but they seem to have that near perfection in all of the tragically adorable stories.

Bright Eyes. Never again will I be able to listen to Bright Eyes and be sad. Every time I come across one of my awful emo mix tapes as you call them I can't help but to smile. Every time someone says Hi I get lost once again in the moment where I was glad I didn't leave.

I don't know just where I'm going but i'm gonna try...

Main Entry: 1end
Pronunciation: \ˈend\
Function: noun
1 a : the part of an area that lies at the boundary b (1) : a point that marks the extent of something (2) : the point where something ceases to exist
2 a : cessation of a course of action, pursuit, or activity b : death, destruction c (1) : the ultimate state (2) : result, issue
3 : something incomplete, fragmentary, or undersized : remnant
4 a : an outcome worked toward : purpose b : the object by virtue of or for the sake of which an event takes place
(Thank you )


The End. It's where I always seem to start. I suppose on one hand it makes sense, one ending is another beginning as they say. Here I am once again, at the end. At the end, trying to work my way back to a beginning of some sort. Therein the question lies, am I ready for this whole circle of ending and beginning? Letting go always proves to be very difficult, almost as hard as grabbing on. Letting go and running are two very different things but there is a very fine line between them. Most of the time I don't even realize where that line is until I've crossed it. When that does happen I am left looking over my shoulder wondering what could have been.
So much time is spent looking back that I'm almost positive that important things are missed that are right in front of me. Things that one would trip over. I seem to always fall and not realize it until it happens, which is I guess the way falling works.

And so the Lion Fell in Love with the Lamb

Wonderland Can be an amazing place. That is until you realize Wonderland isn't actually that wonderful.
Everyone seems to be living in a wonderland of their own. Somehow they man manage to not have employment or any source of income at all but yet here they are night after night. Event after event giving the illusion that they are every bit the person you want to be and be around. Slowly stepping back after being thrust into a world of lies and empty promises can be quite disheartening. How can one continue to live their life barely fooling even themselves that they are living?
I have found it is easier to fool yourself into believing that you are crawling when in actuality you are at best at a stand still. The only thing that seems to give you the courage to open your eyes is the fact that you can't breathe. You can't breathe because you and everything around you has stopped. Not because there was something that has taken your breath away. The feeling as though you are living in a movie does not come from how perfect things seem, even if those things are perfectly awful. The feeling comes from watching yourself going in circles and making the same mistakes over and over. It feels like a movie because you have become so jaded that you expect nothing and want even less.

If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I’m not ashamed of it

You asked me to stay again. I promised myself I wouldn't give in this time. Funny how I can promise everyone else the world and deliver but something so simple I can't keep to myself. As soon as I started to give you stopped me. Maybe you should go you told me. I silently thanked you. Crawling is more difficult than walking.

You have goose bumps.

Something so simple has made such a difference. It's like once again I'm looking forward to things. I can find a reason to get out of bed :)

I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.

How can one not be seduced by things said that sound like they come from romantic movies? Especially if in the next 20 Minutes you realize it's a romantic Comedy?
This wasn't supposed to happen. Really, it wasn't.
I tried my damnedest to get out of there with so much as a goodbye. Then it all came crashing down. You asked for me to stay. You said you loved to cuddle. That's not what I wanted. That was the last thing that I wanted. I hugged you as you lay sprawled out on your bed and told you that I did need to leave.
"Nope...I'll keep you just as Peter kept Wendy." You've probably heard this once and used it way too many times to count. Although I knew this I couldn't help but to eat it up. Somehow, I think you could see my weakness. I secretly wanted to live in a fantasy world, my own little romantic comedy. I knew then that I had to go. The mistake was, I came back. The next time was us showing our true nerd status. I admit yours overshadowed mine greatly, and I enjoyed every second of it. I should have known at that moment just to stay away, but I couldn't. You seemed so concerned as to whether or not I was going to stay. Even after the act was through, you seemed so afraid I would leave you. I couldn't bring myself to go. I should have gone.