Delibrate and Deep, I can't take this deeper panic.

Sometimes I think that I have made a mistake. Other times I can't believe how lucky I am. "It's the little things." they say. The big picture may be grand, but the little things add up. Is this all nonsense? Am I simply looking for a reason? Anything to shake me awake because I must be dreaming. Disjointed I've become disenchanted. Every day of silence is another crack in the illusion that I have built so carefully. I know you are trying but I can't take much more.

Don't tell me you don't know.

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to last. I though it was all fine and dandy as they say. Now, I just don't know.

poisoned hearts will never change...

I wasn't prepared for that... I've battled many demons. Faced my biggest fears. I thought I had found happiness. I tried to ignore you. But you could always see. I thought that I had forgotten. Apparently that's not the case. Just a glance sent me into a whirlwind of doubt, questioning, possibly even regret. I don't even know anymore.

is anybody listening?

At times I feel as though one step forward just causes a huge step back. I know they mean well, but sometimes, I wish they would just keep their mouths shut. I'm sure they're causing more harm than good. I can ruin this on my own, and I seem to be doing a pretty damn good job.

Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless.

We are more alike than I thought possible. More than anything that scares me. I know what it's like in my mind and it's a terrible thought to think that someone else could think the way I do, at least similarly. Understanding I have come to learn is more frightening than not understanding at all. My only hope is that I can make you as happy as you've made me. Already, I'm far more gone than you know. Though, I think you may understand in some warped way. I am having a hard time understanding what exactly is happening. I'm trying to just go with it, but that doesn't seem to be working. Persistent is my forte, and I hope that it actually works this time. Hope, another dirty four letter word I had forgotten existed.

The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last.

I realize now, none of that mattered. Funny how things become clear once you are no longer in the heat of the moment. I can feel in my bones that this time it's different. I hope it's not just my mind trying to shield me from what's really happening.

The Devil Wears a black Suit.

my dear friend he is in a level of hell i cannot comprehend. Somewhere between lust and gluttony he stands with the fire in his eyes waiting for those of us who will let him feed on our souls. Those of us who will let him take all that we are. Then apologize that there is nothing left of us


when he casts us aside, we are not thrown out like trash. We are thrown back into this world we were ripped from with the memories of what was. the faint burn of his touch still coursing through your veins. incapacitated in daily life. We become junkies trying to get our next fix.

"But what will you tell people? Won't they ask?" she says.

I will tell them...I have met the Devil. And he wears a black suit.

You are the one...

Thanksgiving.
The day of the year we are supposed to reflect on what we are thankful for. Everyone's posting their Happy thanksgiving...I'm thankful for... as their facebook status. Television airtime is taken up by sappy thanksgiving or even Christmas movies. and of course, football. What am I thankful for? I'm thankful for having a roof over my head. For having roommates who put up with my shit. Mostly because I try to stay out of their hair, and rent is cheaper with more of us here. What else? "Friends" Who don't really like me, who talk so much shit behind my back it's almost unbearable. The ones who are real friends have moved on to bigger and better things, leaving me behind. Family who only pretend to care to keep up the fucking illusion. When really they, a lot like the "friends" think that I'm a fuck up to say the least. Sometimes I wonder what they would do if I disappeared. I really don't think that anyone would notice, until rent time came around. Maybe when I didn't show up for work, for a couple of days. one of my favorite websites is becoming an archive. It's fitting really the one thing I turned to when I didn't think I could hack it anymore, the people who without even knowing it, kept me going for a little longer, ceases to exist. I can still go back to the old stand by. It's just not the same. Things are changing for better or for worse. I fear it's for the worse not the better. I can feel myself sinking further. And I still haven't learned to swim.

A moment of clarity.

It all makes sense now. On one hand I don't think you were lying. You got the attention and the distance you wanted without complaint. Maybe you payed more attention than I gave you credit for. It could just be my sleep deprived brain grasping at anything that would show me the truth. Struggling to find some answer. You knew. You knew what most wouldn't pay much attention to. Maybe you needed it too. You gave me what I wanted. But yet it was you who I blamed. I wanted this. I begged for it. It wasn't anyone's fault really. There was nothing to be faulted for. Twisted some may say but that doesn't make the need any less urgent.

There's the truth, then there's this...

A Maneater? Seriously? Did anyone stop to think it's the other way around. I mean, come on now, who in their right mind would stay away from love so much that they chew people up and spit them out. Why I know that some people do this but that's just not in my nature. Sure i've had one night stands. I've done things i'm not proud of. Hasn't everyone? Done something that you're not proud of? Well here I can't help that everyone knows about everything that goes on. No matter how private things are supposed to be. I suppose that's everywhere. It's human nature to talk right? But what comes of the people you are talking negitively about? Do you think about how what you're saying makes them feel when it gets back to them? Do you ever think about anyone other than yourselves? The urban dictionary gives several definitions to a maneater but one of them says something about a man eater is making a guy fall for you then throwing them away. Why is it that guys always get this sympathy thing? like they are the only ones who have any feelings. They have the three F's. Find em Fuck em Forget em. What do girls have? Slut, Hoe, Whore, Maneater. What if we are the ones who are trying to find something? grasp on to things but we're the ones who are chewed up and spit out like we're nothing. Around only so those who use us can satisfy their primal urges so to speak. Have you ever stopped to think why she's doing anything in the first place? Maybe it is in fact to satisfy some primal urge burried deap down inside all of us. Maybe on the other hand it's to try to fill a void that someone else left. A void so big that it'll never be filled. Something that people try their whole lifetime to acheive. I've heard that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I know now that it is all bullshit. You can't trust anyone. Love doesn't exist. Everyone is looking out for themselves, basic primal instinct I suppose. We're all human after all.

Tell Me You Forgive me...

I can't sleep yet again. I've lost count of how many day's it's been. It can't be healthy. I have no purpose, no direction, no focus. No reason to sleep, no reason to awake. I don't want to be around anyone at all. Yet I'm so lonely it's unbearable.
My photos are empty. Even the posters. All of them, left with empty backgrounds. A reminder of things lost. Things I let go. Things I want back so terribly but all I can do is set and stare at them. Wanting the answers to questions I'm not prepared to ask.
When I do sleep, there is no rest. Tossing and turning. To be awake feels as though I'm dreaming. Nothing seems real. Though I can sense that something is coming. All of this has to be leading up to something. Maybe it's nothing.

Where do I belong forever, In Who's arms, the time and place

Here I am again. Talking. Pretending you were mine. Pretending you can be mine once again.
I know that's a lie. The biggest lie I've ever told. He's not you, I can't try to pretend.
The little piece of you i've kept is eating away at me. I don't know why.
You are self absorbed, whiney, cocky...without any merit at all...but yet you are the one i seem to be stuck on.
I have my choice of boys or girls, but you are the one I come back to.
I hate every part of you. The excuses, the constant state of being intoxicated in some sort.
But I love the me around you. The one who knows who they are, where they belong in this world. What they should be doing.
Is this what everyone talks about? Is this the feeling? Am I just completley insane? Maybe just a bitch. Whatever it is maybe I need to try again.

You can let me go now, or let me go later, either way it all ends the same way for you.

It's you all over again.
This time the rolls are reversed. At least I think they are.
I'm probably wrong, that's normaly the case.
I think I could get used to him. That sounds crazy of me, but it's true.
Is it that he reminds me of you? I really hope that's not the case.
I have a feeling I am going to see you again, soon.
That's going to fuck my head up. I can tell.
The rolls have reversed. You can come and go as you please.
I'm content either way.
I hope.

You need to know this is where the promise breaks

I'm Left with a thought of what might have been.
you think it's okay to show back up and tell me these things now? What right do you have? You try to say it's things that i did but I did nothing but show you every bit of attention you have ever wanted. You made me feel as though i was important. You told me this evening that I actually was. i have a feeling you were lying once again. You did mention you were getting better at it.
What Was I thinking? The only reason you were talking to me is because tonight, I looked just like you always wanted. I had a feeling that i would see you for some reason. i should have known to go with my gut feeling to just stay in. You don't know what you do to me. You never will. Tonight i wanted to tell you that you were wrong. That is what i wanted and as soon as i found the courage to tell you then, you ran. Why? I'm not perfect, i never claimed to be. You however, were farther from it than i ever imagined. I can't say i expected any less from you. Though I guess you would blame this on me as well.
"Oh Darling, Please believe me I'll never do you no harm"
Maybe you were better at lying than i ever gave you credit for. Though your eyes always told the truth. i suppose in my own little world i knew...I knew how you felt. I knew that i could say something and you would be mine. Always? probably not but that isn't what mattered.
"When You told me you didn't need me anymore, you know i nearly laid down and died..."
It was me tonight who stopped you. You told me what I knew from your eyes but chose to ignore. And it was me that disreguarded the fact that you said anything. I just focused on the faint sound of the radio. Fitting it seemed, and yet even in the state i was i couldn't say anything.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. i can see that yours is beautiful beyond just about anyone's I've ever seen, but there is a cloud of regret, saddness, and self lothing so strong it's almost unbearable. Maybe next time i will Realise, they do remind me of you. all in some sick twisted way, that maybe i missed my chance at some warped form of happieness. I guess that's my loss. The time has passed. You can't change who you've become. I

You're going to be trouble, i can tell

We talked about why it was a bad idea if we were to get together. You brought it up, not me. Why? Now you have me wondering if it is really that bad of an idea. We discussed that if we were to do so it would be either the best or the worst. Which is pretty vague. It seemed as though we were trying to convince ourselfs more than anything. You asked why i was holding back. I couldn't tell you although I knew that it wouldn't matter. You already knew.
I stopped to think are you this way with everyone? All of the little girls who throw themselves at you? The ones who only know this persona you put on. the ones that you know are only doing this to say they did. or is it just me the one who knew you before. The one who still comes around time after time even though their heart cracks a little more each time. The one who pretends because pretending is the closest to the real thing they can have and probably will ever have. Sometimes I hope you make it, Get everything you've worked so hard for. Everything you have dreamed of. I hope you look back when that does happen and when you feel more lonely than you have ever imagined you could possibly be, and you remember me. Not them. And know that the reasons they all left you, the reasons you think you are alone, are my favorite part.
Though I have a feeling i'll be the one telling the story when I see your poster, or hear a song on the radio of "I used to know him. All of them. We were friends at one point. and him. I don't know why but he kept me around for so long breaking my heart, he would still have it if he wanted it. But he's probably changed for the worse I'm sure it's gone much farther than the last 'change'. I'm sure he's forgotten. I wonder if he actually remembers any of it at all."

...and who's life do I lead?

I have once again come to the end. It's only the end of a television show I was borderline obsessed with for a few days. 25 episodes. About an hour each, plus commercials, computer malfunctions, and people who insist on texting me while i'm attempting to keep up with the subtitles. That's over a full day that I spent engrossed in this drama, with not a moment to spare.
I have written many times about how I tend to put off getting to the end of things.It's true, time after time, I put it off. Until I can't any longer. I suppose that reflects not only in reading, watching movies ect. but also in general. I have finished one short story. ONE out of probably at least 200,no exaggeration. Why? the one that I did finish was part of another that just happened to be able to stand on it's own. I suppose that would explain why things tend to suddenly just stop in my life. I don't like to say goodbye, nor see someone leave. I would rather leave first. Many things go unfinished with people, simply because I don't want to have any type of conclusion.
The tv show I was watching is a Korean adaptation of the manga Boys Before Flowers.Everyone is tired of hearing about it. It's been the only thing I could talk about for the past few days. It gave me something to look forward to. For that one moment in time, my purpose was to watch this show. No questions asked, that was it. I even ended up dreaming in Korean. Well, with everyone in my dream speaking Korean. Though I realise now why the show appealed to me so much. It sounds quite melodramatic and rather cliche but I really do think that it triggered a change in me. Whatever the reason. I'm ready to devote another day to rewatching it. Sometimes I wonder about myself.

Hello there, the Angel from my nightmare...

I finally left. For good this time. I wish I could say that I did it willingly, but that would be a complete and utter lie. I don't know what happened. I really wish that I could pinpoint the moment where it all went wrong. Friends, that's what we were supposed to be above all. I know now that that was a lie. For the longest time I wanted to be back there, trying to convince myself of why it was a good idea to stay. Now, I know that I can't go back. It wasn't good. You have me stuck in my head, almost constantly. Everything was built on a hunch and a feeling. Now looking back I can't say that I regret not leaving. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm starting to believe that now. You have attempted coming back, I have learned that's just because she is gone. What concerns me is the way you ignite my creative flame. I think I can safely say that no one has made me write, draw, or be as motavated as you have. I don't know what it is about you that pulls this out of me. Because of this I have tried to keep you in my mind. That just seems to drive me insane. The one thing that has pulled me out of this...obsession, is him. I can't say that i'm suprised by this. She told me today that she thought that I was in love with him. It's true. I'm completley head over heals in love with him. I think that I have been since I first laid eyes on him. Though there have always been circumstances that have kept us apart. Part of this i'm glad about. I don't want us to ever have that awkward break up, or just any awkwardness between us. Nor any bad feelings or ill will towards eachother. so i suppose i'll just keep you in my mind. Keep a part of you and learn more about myself through you. I know that it seems crazy but just like everyone else i'm just trying to get by.

Merry Christmas

"Hi"
"Hello"
How could something so simple be so perfect? It's hard to believe that earlier this evening I was back to wishing I would have left that first night. The farther things progress the more I feel as though I should be filming or writing everything that goes on. Things are far from perfect but they seem to have that near perfection in all of the tragically adorable stories.

Bright Eyes. Never again will I be able to listen to Bright Eyes and be sad. Every time I come across one of my awful emo mix tapes as you call them I can't help but to smile. Every time someone says Hi I get lost once again in the moment where I was glad I didn't leave.

I don't know just where I'm going but i'm gonna try...

Main Entry: 1end
Pronunciation: \ˈend\
Function: noun
1 a : the part of an area that lies at the boundary b (1) : a point that marks the extent of something (2) : the point where something ceases to exist
2 a : cessation of a course of action, pursuit, or activity b : death, destruction c (1) : the ultimate state (2) : result, issue
3 : something incomplete, fragmentary, or undersized : remnant
4 a : an outcome worked toward : purpose b : the object by virtue of or for the sake of which an event takes place
(Thank you )


The End. It's where I always seem to start. I suppose on one hand it makes sense, one ending is another beginning as they say. Here I am once again, at the end. At the end, trying to work my way back to a beginning of some sort. Therein the question lies, am I ready for this whole circle of ending and beginning? Letting go always proves to be very difficult, almost as hard as grabbing on. Letting go and running are two very different things but there is a very fine line between them. Most of the time I don't even realize where that line is until I've crossed it. When that does happen I am left looking over my shoulder wondering what could have been.
So much time is spent looking back that I'm almost positive that important things are missed that are right in front of me. Things that one would trip over. I seem to always fall and not realize it until it happens, which is I guess the way falling works.

And so the Lion Fell in Love with the Lamb

Wonderland Can be an amazing place. That is until you realize Wonderland isn't actually that wonderful.
Everyone seems to be living in a wonderland of their own. Somehow they man manage to not have employment or any source of income at all but yet here they are night after night. Event after event giving the illusion that they are every bit the person you want to be and be around. Slowly stepping back after being thrust into a world of lies and empty promises can be quite disheartening. How can one continue to live their life barely fooling even themselves that they are living?
I have found it is easier to fool yourself into believing that you are crawling when in actuality you are at best at a stand still. The only thing that seems to give you the courage to open your eyes is the fact that you can't breathe. You can't breathe because you and everything around you has stopped. Not because there was something that has taken your breath away. The feeling as though you are living in a movie does not come from how perfect things seem, even if those things are perfectly awful. The feeling comes from watching yourself going in circles and making the same mistakes over and over. It feels like a movie because you have become so jaded that you expect nothing and want even less.