Where do I belong forever, In Who's arms, the time and place

Here I am again. Talking. Pretending you were mine. Pretending you can be mine once again.
I know that's a lie. The biggest lie I've ever told. He's not you, I can't try to pretend.
The little piece of you i've kept is eating away at me. I don't know why.
You are self absorbed, whiney, cocky...without any merit at all...but yet you are the one i seem to be stuck on.
I have my choice of boys or girls, but you are the one I come back to.
I hate every part of you. The excuses, the constant state of being intoxicated in some sort.
But I love the me around you. The one who knows who they are, where they belong in this world. What they should be doing.
Is this what everyone talks about? Is this the feeling? Am I just completley insane? Maybe just a bitch. Whatever it is maybe I need to try again.

You can let me go now, or let me go later, either way it all ends the same way for you.

It's you all over again.
This time the rolls are reversed. At least I think they are.
I'm probably wrong, that's normaly the case.
I think I could get used to him. That sounds crazy of me, but it's true.
Is it that he reminds me of you? I really hope that's not the case.
I have a feeling I am going to see you again, soon.
That's going to fuck my head up. I can tell.
The rolls have reversed. You can come and go as you please.
I'm content either way.
I hope.

You need to know this is where the promise breaks

I'm Left with a thought of what might have been.
you think it's okay to show back up and tell me these things now? What right do you have? You try to say it's things that i did but I did nothing but show you every bit of attention you have ever wanted. You made me feel as though i was important. You told me this evening that I actually was. i have a feeling you were lying once again. You did mention you were getting better at it.
What Was I thinking? The only reason you were talking to me is because tonight, I looked just like you always wanted. I had a feeling that i would see you for some reason. i should have known to go with my gut feeling to just stay in. You don't know what you do to me. You never will. Tonight i wanted to tell you that you were wrong. That is what i wanted and as soon as i found the courage to tell you then, you ran. Why? I'm not perfect, i never claimed to be. You however, were farther from it than i ever imagined. I can't say i expected any less from you. Though I guess you would blame this on me as well.
"Oh Darling, Please believe me I'll never do you no harm"
Maybe you were better at lying than i ever gave you credit for. Though your eyes always told the truth. i suppose in my own little world i knew...I knew how you felt. I knew that i could say something and you would be mine. Always? probably not but that isn't what mattered.
"When You told me you didn't need me anymore, you know i nearly laid down and died..."
It was me tonight who stopped you. You told me what I knew from your eyes but chose to ignore. And it was me that disreguarded the fact that you said anything. I just focused on the faint sound of the radio. Fitting it seemed, and yet even in the state i was i couldn't say anything.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. i can see that yours is beautiful beyond just about anyone's I've ever seen, but there is a cloud of regret, saddness, and self lothing so strong it's almost unbearable. Maybe next time i will Realise, they do remind me of you. all in some sick twisted way, that maybe i missed my chance at some warped form of happieness. I guess that's my loss. The time has passed. You can't change who you've become. I

You're going to be trouble, i can tell

We talked about why it was a bad idea if we were to get together. You brought it up, not me. Why? Now you have me wondering if it is really that bad of an idea. We discussed that if we were to do so it would be either the best or the worst. Which is pretty vague. It seemed as though we were trying to convince ourselfs more than anything. You asked why i was holding back. I couldn't tell you although I knew that it wouldn't matter. You already knew.
I stopped to think are you this way with everyone? All of the little girls who throw themselves at you? The ones who only know this persona you put on. the ones that you know are only doing this to say they did. or is it just me the one who knew you before. The one who still comes around time after time even though their heart cracks a little more each time. The one who pretends because pretending is the closest to the real thing they can have and probably will ever have. Sometimes I hope you make it, Get everything you've worked so hard for. Everything you have dreamed of. I hope you look back when that does happen and when you feel more lonely than you have ever imagined you could possibly be, and you remember me. Not them. And know that the reasons they all left you, the reasons you think you are alone, are my favorite part.
Though I have a feeling i'll be the one telling the story when I see your poster, or hear a song on the radio of "I used to know him. All of them. We were friends at one point. and him. I don't know why but he kept me around for so long breaking my heart, he would still have it if he wanted it. But he's probably changed for the worse I'm sure it's gone much farther than the last 'change'. I'm sure he's forgotten. I wonder if he actually remembers any of it at all."

...and who's life do I lead?

I have once again come to the end. It's only the end of a television show I was borderline obsessed with for a few days. 25 episodes. About an hour each, plus commercials, computer malfunctions, and people who insist on texting me while i'm attempting to keep up with the subtitles. That's over a full day that I spent engrossed in this drama, with not a moment to spare.
I have written many times about how I tend to put off getting to the end of things.It's true, time after time, I put it off. Until I can't any longer. I suppose that reflects not only in reading, watching movies ect. but also in general. I have finished one short story. ONE out of probably at least 200,no exaggeration. Why? the one that I did finish was part of another that just happened to be able to stand on it's own. I suppose that would explain why things tend to suddenly just stop in my life. I don't like to say goodbye, nor see someone leave. I would rather leave first. Many things go unfinished with people, simply because I don't want to have any type of conclusion.
The tv show I was watching is a Korean adaptation of the manga Boys Before Flowers.Everyone is tired of hearing about it. It's been the only thing I could talk about for the past few days. It gave me something to look forward to. For that one moment in time, my purpose was to watch this show. No questions asked, that was it. I even ended up dreaming in Korean. Well, with everyone in my dream speaking Korean. Though I realise now why the show appealed to me so much. It sounds quite melodramatic and rather cliche but I really do think that it triggered a change in me. Whatever the reason. I'm ready to devote another day to rewatching it. Sometimes I wonder about myself.

Hello there, the Angel from my nightmare...

I finally left. For good this time. I wish I could say that I did it willingly, but that would be a complete and utter lie. I don't know what happened. I really wish that I could pinpoint the moment where it all went wrong. Friends, that's what we were supposed to be above all. I know now that that was a lie. For the longest time I wanted to be back there, trying to convince myself of why it was a good idea to stay. Now, I know that I can't go back. It wasn't good. You have me stuck in my head, almost constantly. Everything was built on a hunch and a feeling. Now looking back I can't say that I regret not leaving. Everything happens for a reason right? I'm starting to believe that now. You have attempted coming back, I have learned that's just because she is gone. What concerns me is the way you ignite my creative flame. I think I can safely say that no one has made me write, draw, or be as motavated as you have. I don't know what it is about you that pulls this out of me. Because of this I have tried to keep you in my mind. That just seems to drive me insane. The one thing that has pulled me out of this...obsession, is him. I can't say that i'm suprised by this. She told me today that she thought that I was in love with him. It's true. I'm completley head over heals in love with him. I think that I have been since I first laid eyes on him. Though there have always been circumstances that have kept us apart. Part of this i'm glad about. I don't want us to ever have that awkward break up, or just any awkwardness between us. Nor any bad feelings or ill will towards eachother. so i suppose i'll just keep you in my mind. Keep a part of you and learn more about myself through you. I know that it seems crazy but just like everyone else i'm just trying to get by.

Merry Christmas

"Hi"
"Hello"
How could something so simple be so perfect? It's hard to believe that earlier this evening I was back to wishing I would have left that first night. The farther things progress the more I feel as though I should be filming or writing everything that goes on. Things are far from perfect but they seem to have that near perfection in all of the tragically adorable stories.

Bright Eyes. Never again will I be able to listen to Bright Eyes and be sad. Every time I come across one of my awful emo mix tapes as you call them I can't help but to smile. Every time someone says Hi I get lost once again in the moment where I was glad I didn't leave.